I suffer from dehydration, and so I have to go drink water and drop my eyes with fake tears every hour or so to keep my moistness afloat. Too keep it running you know?

Aahaha, get it?


( Sorry, that was lame. )

 
I was late home because I was being slow. ( stuff about stuff, like usual )

 
And as the last days of summer have passed, I grieve. Or well, I don't really grieve for summer as much as grieve for myself. Fall means that winter is soon, and the cold is early or is it just me? In the the mornings I already feel the cold creeping into my room through the windows.

School's okay, I guess, but today I felt totally off and really distracted. Might have to do with how I sat for two days doing nothing but YouTube;ing and putting together a list of notable Touhou-stuff that came out during August/late July/Really early September. It's for a project. I don't think I will feel like this very often but I kinda felt like shaking my fists and cursing the fandom for being so effing productive. Comiket was in August and all so that makes it so much more than usual >_>;;  They've all been so quiet since Reitaisai but now they are all back in full force plus some more AT THE SAME TIME. 

But of course I am happy too... I've realized that I've fallen for kamS and all this weird psychedelic subconscious mind-rape crack acid-trip-stuff he puts in his videos. His two newer ones, are, might I say, a bit less weirder. One cover's Yuyuko's life until her own death, and even though, like always, not a single word is spoken you can kinda see what happens all the way though and it's really scary but also pretty. The other one is maybe a bit weirder, but in another way. It's another Imperishable Night-related video (no prizes for guessing this guy's favorite Touhou-game), and it's kinda funky and entertaining, and more play-full than usual, plus something that seems to resemble some sorta... subliminal erotism. Or something. 

I remember the first thing I saw by him, which was this really weird (I think it's still his weirdest work... at least from what I've seen) take on Imperishable Night, it was so full of symbolism is was nearly ONLY symbolism all the way through. It was kinda scary too, with so many mixed signals all the time. I am one of those few who likes ZUN's original art, and it kinda adds to the spookiness to have them used in this kinda way. But the video's also have some good weird humor in them, like the image of Tsukihime running and waving around with the American flag from the original moon-landing as if it were a toy. But that's really more like a reference to the manga, really, the one to first pull that joke was ZUN himself. Even if he didn't have the princesses of the moon playing with the symbol of american pride. 

Other than that, I've kinda grown to like SoundHolic a bit more. One of their more recent songs is really good, and I've been listening to it almost all day. At first, I thought it was really plain, but I liked the PV since it displayed some terrific use of MMD, so I ended up listening to it a few times. It's based on Lunar Dial, Sakuya's quite un-famous first theme from EoSD. The original isn't well, it's not Flowering Night, but it's not a bad tune. And I like this cover. I can't say anything other than horray for SoundHolic for having done a great song. I loved PsyPhone btw<3 It's on my most-played list. Found the full version the other day, so will enjoy dat. About symbolic/trippy things that are still entertaining, the PV in MMD I mentioned is kind of like that, though not quite still like any work by kamS. It's fun to read all the YT-comments on the people's different theories. I'd love to join in but I'd prolly break the 500-word limit in no-time so yeah. Anyway, the PV also has this gorgeous Sakuya model so it's always worthwhile cause of that either way<33<3

About her, Sekkenya got a new PV on their old old but really great cover of Flowering Night. It's also on the creepy side, it reminds me of old low-budget 70's/80's animes. But the song is awesome and Sekkenya I love you so<3 They also PV'd their song True Blossom, which I haven't heard before, but I can so far only find it in really shitty quality so I'll have to wait a bit before hearing it properly. It's from The maximum Moving About, so I'm thinking, maybe I should get that CD or something. If I can find it. Bleh. 

I've been using this japanese auction proxy for the first time recently. Went okay, only I ended up bidding on and winning this figurine that I THOUGHT was a GriffionE PVC, but when I read the description more properly, it turns out I've paid for a PAINTED RESIN that will take 3-5 weeks to FINISH and cost 8.000yen to ship. I panicked at first but what the hell, what am I gonna do anyway? I just gotta pay... and wait. Should I mention I dunno what this persons works looks like other than the shape of the actual garage kit? To keep the Sakuya-theme on this post, maybe I should mention it was a figurine of her...? She gets a lot attention from me lately, not that I really mind... I was bidding on the Remilia too, but I got outbid. By 100yen. 2mdhiobdou34go5 Ah well, that's 8.000yen less one month from now. 

There was also this awesome and absolutely gorgeous and perfect Sanae, also painted resin (this time I was aware though), but it went from 10.000 yen to 35.500yen in less than an hour so I gave up my hopes of owning it. I was quite depressed about it for some time, since it was so pretty and I love Sanae so much, and my hope was stomped on so quickly. ABOUT SANAE I LOVE HOW 12:3 MADE HER BOOBS CANON<3 ALSO SUWAKO YOUR MOVESET IS SOMEHOW JUST AS AWESOME

Other than that it cost me almost 20.000yen but I got the rare Macross/LuckyStar-cosplay figurines! 8DDD I paid for a bunch of the other prices to, because they weren't sold separately. But FFFFFFFFF I can just sell that on ebay for extra money anyway. It's just the four 150mm PVCs that I want, and even though that's a kinda insane amount of money for so little plastic, I really don't care.<3 I've wanted these since I heard of them, and I've been like "Huh, if I could somehow afford those then that'd be like a dream..." So yeah, don't wake me up. I still haven't gotten a lot of stuff I was planning to get last month, but eh, somehow it'll work out. I can ask for stuff on my birthday, so I should be able to cross of some stuff on my wish-list then~ 

Also, Locker Room Productions makes PV for Innocent Key and makes my day. 

...and one Touhou-fan-rant post later, I'm pretty much done.

Except for well, my brother got GTA4 the other week and it looks like so much fun : O I want to play it, but I don't have the time right now, maybe fall break will give good opportunities for some well, I won't say hardcore but um, harder-than-usual-core gaming? But, ODST will be out around that time, so maybe we'll be playing that instead? That is unless I'm getting the dates wrong. Next year looks pretty good when it comes to new games I want to play. Gyakuten Keiji and new Zelda alone sounds like a whole lot of fun. 

So yah, current outlook on life = pretty good! Now if it only wasn't for the swine-flu. Also RoosterTeeth I am somewhat DISSAPOINT. Please tell me next week is more plot and more Tucker and less three-minute of footage I've already seen? D8 

Eh, I've come up with a sore throat. It wasn't so bad the first few days, and I seriously thought I was going to get better before it got mentionably bad, yanno, other than the light, ignorable pain I was experiencing at a the time. Then, I woke up this morning unable to talk. 

I've had really bad cases of colds turned into swollen throats and a disability to talk, breathe or swallow without near unbearable pain, so I guess I should have seen it coming. When I was a pre-teen/younger teen, I'd have a weeks of this almost every year each fall. And I really hate it. I'd rather be in bed sick with almost anything else. You can't even laugh, or really, you can but doing it is so painful you'd rather swallow a bunch of needles. 


I've tried my best to not talk too much today, but it seems hard for people to take a hint. Even though my parents were the ones who told me I better not, they are insisting I'd add to the family discussion on this year's summer vacation. Sure yes, a few sentences, but I really don't want to come up with an infection or fever so I was like "Please, don't bother me too much....". 


I dunno if these additional vitamin shots are helping too much by the way, maybe they need more time or I am just too fucked up for them to make any bigger differences. I'd like to try out jogging or something to test how my body would react, giving a few hundred meters was my limit before the medication, hopefully I'd do a bit better now. I don't seem just as tired, actually... But that's still hard to measure, since I'm not used to the constant nigh-time sunlight yet. 

A lot of incidents that concern my own interactions with rude people seem to have become a new trend in my life. After a somewhat terrifying experience last night, this including me, my brother, a drunk and a rude thieving tourist(/immigrant?) at the local grocery store, I was left thinking "...What has this city come to?". Really, I did NOT want to stand in-between the two later mentioned in the line for the cashier. The drunk smelt horribly of alcohol, and he started accusing the man in front of us for cutting in line. It might've seemed like he did, since he slipped out of the line for a while while grabbing some gum from a stone's throw away, but he had done no such thing. Well, what happened is that while my brother reassured the drunk that no such thing indeed hadn't happened, the man kept driving his question further, talking all sluggish like and seemed like he might just explode if the wrong buttons were to be pressed. The man accused of the crime was not only unable to understand and speak Swedish, his english was barely understandable. Also, he was stupid and proud enough to provoke the violent drunk. 

At that moment I just tried my best to ignore them while still staying alert enough to be able to make a run for it in case something would happen. My brother got really nervous and both of us had been forgetful enough to leave our phones at home. We just went out to grab some doughnuts to eat while watching "Half Life; Full Life Consequences" and other YouTube stupidities since both mom and dad were out for the evening.  

And even now I am amazed at how stupidly one can act in the worst situation, because these two were really prime examples. I just wanted both of them to die. Vanish into thin air. I still do. It's people like that who obviously should fix their own lives, but not only don't they, no, they let it out on other completely unrelated people too. What complete fucktards. ...I hate people like them who just go around and create easily avoidable problems for other undeserving people to fix. 

When we finally got out of there, I saw the foreign man steal a pot-flower worthy of 60 krones on his way out. The asshole-ish "I can do whatever I want"-attitude is also one of those things that really pisses me off. Stealing is something I could perhaps protect, depending on the circumstances, but to steal a pot flower worth just that much on your way out of a grocery store where you just purchased stuff for more than the double? What the hell? Couldn't he just have paid for it, or I dunno, buy it another time? Actions like that are just needless things that again, are just to provoke others. 

I'm very clear about my opinions about crime and things like human rights and equality. When I was younger I seriously wanted to become a politician, but maybe I should feel more at home working with law or something like that? Considering my medical condition(s) to be a cop would be pretty much impossible, but... Maybe I could be a lawyer or something? ....Wait, no, it's not what you think! ...But really, it seems interesting. For real. And considering that my big passion is the arts, something that might not be a very stable career to, especially with my lacking skills, so maybe I should consider an alternative? I have an eye for details, I love discussing and proving my point. 

But then again. 

It takes a good study-head to get all those needed educations. So maybe I should just give up on having a normal job. Though out all normal jobs there are, if I had to choose one I'd like to be jurist or something like that. 


Again, about me and my habit of running into rude idiots, I've always had it as I comment to my brother yesterday; "If you had gone alone you probably wouldn't have run into those idiots. It's all due to my life-long streak of bad luck. If you want to get something done that takes some risks, it's better to leave me behind...". Hum maybe I really shouldn't become a lawyer after all. But the last few days it feels like all of stockholm that I don't know if just out to make my life hell. Today I got chewed out by the buss-driver for texting my ticket while on the buss. Even though he saw me running towards the buss-stop, and even though it's raining cats and dogs and all I'm wearing is this small sleeve-less dress. What, was I supposed to text while running towards the buss in the rain even though I'm sick? Bastard. Then, annoyed, I simply tell him "I'm sorry about the inconvenience, If I had been able to, I would have texted the ticket earlier. And have no reason to be so rude towards me at all." The he started saying he was behind his schedule, but I just told him that "It's not my fault that you're late."

Then, he wouldn't open the doors at my stop, so I had to wait till the next stop and walk those extra blocks in the rain anyway. When I get home I hear my mother got splashed with water so that she was completely soaked to her skin while on her bike, and that she, just after that happened was sprayed with ketchup by some guys in a white van, apparently targeting whatever unlucky victims of traffic they can come across. I know that feeling of humiliation, and even though the culprits flees quickly, you can hear their laughter in your head for hours, or at will whenever you feel like bringing yourself down further when you are having a bad day. 

On the last day on the job I got yelled at by the lead make-up artists after I was told to do some shooting backstage. I was just doing my job according my instructions, but even so, I bit the sour apple. That's what you get for working unreasonable hours a day while doing your very best. I sometimes think that I am a rude-people magnet because I look so frail. I mean, I'm a thin girl with thick glasses and acne. And my clothes don't really say "don't mess with me" as much as they say "I love pink and frills and ribbons in my hair". 

I had already gotten yelled at by restaurant employee that day for reasons that were not quite fitting for her... fit. But this guy really took the delicious and moist cake by being a complete asshole and by calling me brain-dead and stupid he embarrassed me in front of all the models and make-up artists, (this being a group of roughly 25 people) effectively reducing me to tears. 

Luckily I was so shocked I managed to excuse myself and get out of the room before I started crying crocodile tears, howling like a small child with a freshly scraped-up knee. I had to pass a considerable amount of people before I made it to the bathroom, including Nelly. I wonder of she actually saw me cry or it was too dark in the main hall during the rehearsals? For at least ten, maybe even fifteen minutes I was stuck in that bathroom, crying and sobbing. I really can't remember the last time I cried like that, it must have been.... years ago. 

When I got back out, I tried to focus on the job the best I could to forget how I was feeling, and while it was really hard the first moments, it got better. ...I am pretty good at sucking things up, I think. I considered telling Dad about it, so that he in turn could make it clear to the clients that it's not okay for their hired staff to chew out his assistants for things they hold no responsibilities for. But I didn't, there was no time for me to do that. And I didn't want to come there yelling "He was mean to me! D,:>" like some immature amateur. So I decided that I am an adult and that I fight my own battles. I lost this time but next time I'll make sure to tell that someone who's letting their frustration out on me that I'm not okay with it. And I told that buss driver, didn't I?


Today I got watching of the newer RvB episodes I've been missing up on. Plus the final episodes of the Reconstruction series. I never saw those, but I can't clearly remember why. It was all strangely epic but funny all the same. I like where Recreation is going too, I'm convinced that this must be one of the better online shows of all time, at least considering it's length. About that, I should check "Hard Justice" for updates, too. 

Being the figurine-nut I am I had this crazy idea. I'm thinking of executing it partly because it'd kill time and partly because it'd be really cool. I'm thinking of getting a bunch of same-scale Spartan figurines in Mark VI-armor, and customizing them, making the characters from the series. I could get their individual weapons too, and while it was proven impossible to get them vehicles, now that would have been awesome. I dunno if I'll actually do it, given it would take at least 2000 krones just to get the materials to make the seven main characters, along with an additional few hundred to get the paints, brushes and other materials I'd need. Unless I go for action pix, but... Those are like less than 2 inches high. It means that I could get the Red Team a warthog like I'd love too, but... the size would be kinda lame, and it's hard to get a good job done when you are working on such a small scale. And if I'm going to do it, I might as well do it properly, and spent money accordingly on good materials to work with. I mean, if I can it'd feel like a waste for say, Church to not have his signature sniper rifle, even if he can't hit anything with it even from point blank weapons sold separately are almost as expensive as a figurine with it's default accessories. 

Eh, I shouldn't even be talking about this. Just one of my day-dreams given my figurine obsession~ I mean, It's not as much about the finished product either as it's about the work. I loved working on me resin kits, and this seems like similar fun. 

But I shouldn't be talking about spending more money than I already plan to do... Well, maybe if I would get that job Dad mentioned that Nelly could help me get... Then I'd know what I'd spend my money on. Plastic and chemicals. And paper. I love it, both finished products and the raw material<3

Eeh there was something else, but is should really go to bed now. 

Oh eh, there was that.

K-On has ended at 13 episodes, but instead I have Haruhi Second Season and "Umineko no naku koro ni"... So I should be okay!

When I woke up this morning I could tell that today wasn't going to be a good day for work....

I guess I was right, since it really felt like I was going to faint while waiting for the first runway show to start. Lucklily I could sit down on the floor while I shot that one. I think it's the warmth, or the bad air in here.... Or I dunno, I've been feeling like this since morning. When I first woke up I just kept thinking "Aaugh, work. Please, someone, drop a meteore on the scandinavian fashion industry..."

But since negative thinking creates more negative thinking I decided to just suck it up. What the hell, I should really be happy I have a job, even if it's only for few weeks a year, considering how hard it is to get one, at least now.

So instead of helping out shooting the fashion shows I'm sitting up here, on the balcony sorting and photoshopping the taken pictures. The costomers do, as always want photos as quickly as possible afterwards. It's a bit extreme, I think, to want for the pictutres to be uploaded and viewable at their websites less than an hour after the fashion show. But they are the ones paying, I guess... 

Dad gets so annoying when he's stressed, I think it's good that I'm his daughter so that I can tell him to snap out of it when it gets too bad. We are two assistants today, me and another girl a few years older than me, she's an ex-model. She's sweet, a bit soft-spoken and maybe just a bit spacey, but she's a really nice girl. A few weeks back we worked together on shooting a really long and tedious fashion show for... I think it was Gant.

OMNOM Nelly just brought me a free cup of Häagen-Dazs from downstairs. H-how did she know that strawberry is my favorite...? ;__; They are handing them out as a comercial campaing, so we get them.


....I always end up eating trash-food when on the job.

I'm still not feeling too well, so I'll be skipping the last fashion show, the Cheap Monday one, and then'll head home for some proper foods.

Then a proper and long session of Half Life 2! Wait for me, 360-!

 
I dunno for how much longer I can keep this up. 

The moment I'm not distracted from my own thoughts I feel like shit. 



....I can't really say that there's been a lot, rather, there's been nothing. School and all that stuff is usually distracting enough, so that's probably why I feel like this now. 



I just want a normal body that isn't unable to sustain itself without a bag of pills a day and two shots a week. I don't want to have both ADHD and Asperger's syndrome. I didn't even know I filled the criteria for the later, but the more I think about it, the more it seems plausible, if not true. But... it's just too much to keep learning more and more about what disabilities I have, and to realize... I don't know. To realize that this is me, perhaps. And that i've always been like this and that I always will.  I will always be socially impaired and I will always be a scatterbrain. 


I want a normal life, with normal friends who I don't have to remind what common courtesy and normal interests that don't limit me socially.

The last few days, I've been feeling under the weather, unable to do much. Today, I though I'd go out to clear my mind and maybe feel better. But the large looming trees of Haga felt more distant and ever, and even though the air smells like summer and the sun is warm even thought its so late, I can't enjoy it. 

For a long time now, reality has started to feel more and more like a vague and un-grasp-able concept. Almost as if the reality around me will disappear any moment. I get anxious and stressed, thinking that regardless of how beautiful or joyous a moment is, it'll go away before I know it, and then it will never come back. There is no way of restoring or saving moments. It hurts, I can't enjoy the silent nature or the busy city.

All I think about is how reality is so limited and fleeting, and that while my dreams and imagination is superior in both aspects, the two can never become the same.

Why do we dream? 

I just feel taunted, taunted by my own unlimited imagination. 

And there is more to that imagination of mine that visions of the future or materialism.

I just want happiness, the thing that feels the hardest to achieve right now. 


I sat on the large field in front of Koppartälten, in the faltering sunlight below the cloudless sky. The walk that was supposed to make me feel better and more positive paused there. 

I ended laying in the grass and crying for a bit before I picked myself up and went home, feeling just a little bit better. 

During latest time in my life I've been hit by some sort of uncureable boredom that won't ware off. 

Last week before summer vacation I was already having many days off because most of my courses had ended already. During that period of simply laying around at home, that was when it started... I found out that Lucky Star was a good cure, even if only for the moment. I was easily pissed of and feeling very frustrated, partly because I was bored but mainly because I couldn't listen to my Ipod. I'm so used to listen to it 24/7, so to go without it feels like something unacceptable.  

After four years of having testing my blood regularly through me leaving quite heavy blood-samples, my doctors figure out I have anemia. Just like Patchouli. I go on heavy meds for my stomach, so that's why I've been leaving blood-samples, but my strength and my overall physical capabilities have been reduced horribly over a year and a half. We've been looking for a solution since at least 8 months back, but only until like last week I've got the answer. My digestion is even more messed up than I thought. My body get no vitamins. I have no blood. So to solve this problem I'll be taking two shots a week for two months. They don't know if pills would have any effect, so this is what we're doing instead.

I was going to flaunt this sooner or later, and now it's pretty much later.

But later is still better than never.


To everyone else, this is a single fart in space, just another Touhou doujin that's going to be released on summer comiket this year.



But to me, it's quite different.

Because I myself will be participating.  

I'm going to be published.

At SUMMER COMIKET76.

This feels like it might as well be a once in a life time experiance for someone like me, and it's still a bit hard to belive that before I myself have ever gone to the world's largest doujin convention MY WORK WILL.

They finally put my name up among the participating artist, so go check it out by clicking the link above if you don't belive me.

I don't have any website of my own, so my link is simply my ff.ner account, since what I did for the anthology was well, fanfiction.

From the very bottom of my heart I just want to thank every single person who've made this possible for me. My friends, the people on the project, my family ect....

Thank you everyone!



Now, congratulate meee!

 

 

We were supposed to be able to enter the apartment again by five, but that time was prolonged by three hours and we weren't let in until eight.

The cement on the floor in the hallway was still wet when we got home after dinner by nine, so we had to climb in. It was a pretty unique experience. First we'd have to climb/jump into the small bathroom by the door, then lean across and step into the closet across the room, and then, from there, ~leap~ into the apartment.

Well, I'm inside now, and I'm pretty glad that I am. I had pretty much just chatted with srsly_smrt  on the phone since sometime past three while walking around the neighborhood in my high heels and after three hours my feet were sore like hell. 

....Wait what's that, I was supposed to do something during those three hours? Huh? Away from home with no computer or television? 

Well, I would simply have taken a walk if not for my failing Ipod batteries and sore feet. I don't know, only now I feel tired like hell. D8

Dad had to make a dash for work, and he's going to pick my two packages that might just be mine~ Our ebay account is in his name, and I'm not him, so... You'd have to show an id to get your package from the post-office. I don't even have an id yet. I should get one. 

The time spent listening to my Ipod was time spent listening to my collection of YouTube and niconico -rips of the Touhou M-1s. I haven't been listening to most of them in some time, and I somehow always find them amusing. I'm still not getting it all 100%, but it's always enough for it to be entertaining. arisu no danna wa watshi no danna 8D

Anyway today was tireing, so I'm going to sleep long and nice. Only I'm supposed to be up early again tomorrow. I better sleep soon. Only Dad is stuck in the garage and I wanna wait for my stuff. Eh, hopefully he'll be here soon enough. 

Due to the replacement of our hallway floor, my sleep was cut by a few hours.

I hate that feeling in the morning when you haven't slept enough- your head hurts, you feel faint and nauseous, your eyes hurt etc. Eh, I'm not allowed into the apartment untill  5 p.m so I'm still in school. I'm tired and I wanna go home, but what to do.

The weather is good at least! Good enough to make me sweat! And I'm wearing my good shoes on a monday, so it really feels like spring. I think I should try to take some photos of all the blooming trees in Haga before they bloom out. My parents have been asking me to take some pictures of famous/pretty-looking sites around stockholm to hang above the sofa, so this might be a nice time to get some work done. I was actually thinking to use seasons as a theme, I have winter pictures from the last snowfall back in april, so I can get both spring and summer in the matter of another few months. And summer is short here so autumn isn't that far away even as we speak.

I think there are no other nationalities who speak of the weather and the seasons as much as swedes. /o/ What can I say, I love the ever-changing weather from the bottom of my heart! I'm sure that in the future, regardless of my interest in other countries and my studies of other languages, that will be one reason I'll want to return home.

I'm thinking about heading to SF to see if they've got Gintama volume 11 (it might help pass the time) but I don't know if I should, because maybe the left-over money from today's breakfast out was supposed to be for tomorrow too. See, I gor thrown out so early, I had to eat breakfast out, and the same thing will probably happen tomorrow again. Mom even asked if I wanted to sleep and grandma and grandpa's place, so that I'll get the dire 11 hours I need. I don't know about that though. I mean, they have work early, and what am I going to do then anyway? Stick around their apartment? We'll see what I do, I just think it might be awkward. Plus, I wanna play Zelda and YouTube-lurk tonight and at grandma and grandpa's I'll have to sleep on the floor...

I made six ebay-orders not this weekend but the weekend before that. Today is the first day that some of the first things might just arrive here, unless the post office here is still stunted by last weeks holidays. I mean, it might take them another day to get a package to my local post office. But all the stuff should get here before the end of the week. I'm getting all excited thinking about it! I spent a lot of money, and I spent money for the first time in many months, so regardless of the weird looks I get when I say I spent nearly 3000 krones in less than an hour I can think I really deserve this... I still have some money left, reserved for the Kagamine twins. Expensive plastic wohoo!

It's almost three pm, maybe I should give srslysmrt a call, and bother her because tradition is tradition.